Girl Next Door
by enchantedchick220
Summary: Jane can't get Holden out of her head, she hears him everywhere. And through everything she encounters -an abusive step-father, smarmy dates- she can't get rid of the idea that maybe Holden needs her just as much as she needs him. Jane POV


"Have a lovely vacation Jane!" Suzy Madison called to me, as I waved a polite farewell in response. "Merry Christmas Suzy!"

"_You know she's just a phony, she is the biggest gossip in this lousy place."_

"_She's a very nice girl, and everyone gossips." _

"_You don't, you think its rude. Remember that summer I caught D.B. and that neighbor girl kissing at that cafe on Fifth? You wouldn't even let me finish the story, you said it wasn't any of our business who D.B. was kissing."_

I knew it was silly to be arguing with someone who wasn't there, or rather someone whom I wish was, but it had become habit since I last saw him. Holden had always been honest with me, and his truthfulness had followed me even in his absence. It was his voice that kept my feet planted, that allowed me not to be swept up in the "phoniness" of this place (his words again). It wasn't that I didn't like my school, I enjoyed it very much. I had made friends easily and the lessons weren't an exceeding challenge. The only fault, really, was that I had no one to talk to. Sure, the other girls were fine when it came to discussing various dating excursions, or how to pin your hair to make it more attractive, but there were other things to talk about... No one quite understood as Holden did.

* * *

Vacation wasn't exactly something I was looking forward to, I knew Mother would be happy to have me home again, but the other company wasn't quite as pleasant. Mother had married Frank Cudhady more out of necessity than love. The two of us had been struggling ever since Father had passed away. It was so sudden, and there was virtually nothing to fall back on. "Frank will provide us with stability," Mother had explained after the short courtship had resulted in an engagement. Yet our family's foundation was merely strained further with the added burden of Frank and his drinking habit. Of course alcohol makes people do...inappropriate things. When he and Mother fought, the inevitable sound of her thrown down to the floor permeated my bedroom wall. I asked her once why she allowed such savage behavior, and she turned away avoiding my glance. "Frank's a good man, he provides for us," she had replied softly, and then walked into the kitchen to wash the dishes.

Ignoring the violence became more difficult when I myself fell victim. But this was a different abuse. When Frank came into my room at night, I would stay perfectly silent. I suppose I was worried of waking of Mother, which is ironic when that was exactly what I wanted to do. Frank told me how pretty I was, and that I was a good girl. It never lasted long and he would leave without a word. Silent tears fell the first couple times it happened, but soon I numbed myself to his visits. I suppose that was when I began talking to Holden.

"_Don't let this bastard do this to you Jane!" _

"_I don't know how to make it stop." _

"_Fight back!"_

"_I can't let Mother know...You would never do this to me, would you Holden?."_

"_No Jane, never."_

Holden had suspicions of Frank, he was always an excellent judge of character. One time Holden and I were playing checkers, and as usual Holden was commenting on my army of kings all lined up and unmoved in the back row. Holden never teased me though, like most boys do. His sincerity took the place of normal banter. At this point in our game Frank traipsed out in a drunken stupor asking me where his cigarettes were. It was my prerogative to make an unspoken vow of silence with Frank. I never spoke of what he did, and therefore I never spoke to him period. Frank finally took the subtle hint of silence and retreated back inside, but his sudden appearance flooded me with emotion. I felt naked and exposed in front of Holden. Desperately, I tried to fight my tears, in fear of revealing them to him. But my attempts were in vain, when Holden sat next to me to offer comfort. I don't know who kissed whom first but the falling tears on my cheeks were gathered in his tender kisses. However, whenever Holden came close to my lips I would pull away in refusal. Anywhere else but there, anywhere else than where _he_ made his most intimate connection, anywhere else than where I was sure Holden could taste my hidden transgression. Afterwards I simply went inside, changed into my favorite red and white sweater, and Holden and I went to the movies. Holden braved asking if Frank had ever tried to "get wise" with me. As much as I wanted to scream in confirmation, I contained my secret with a curt "No." There was no use in spoiling a perfectly good afternoon.

* * *

Throughout my entire vacation, I toyed with the idea of telephoning Holden. My Mother asked me why I wanted to phone him when there were so many other boys who would enjoy my company. It was true that I had gone on a few dates in my time away from home. One date in particular had all the girls in my dorm giggling in anticipation more than I was.

This Stradlater had somewhat of a reputation, but I had been set up with good intentions and thought it only polite to go. The date proceeded as most others I had been on. I was escorted to a nice dinner and movie and at the end of the night Stradlater expected his reward for complying with the formalities of a proper rendezvous. It wasn't that Stradlater wasn't handsome, his features would have made any other girl melt in his mere presence, but it was his boastful confidence which gnawed at me. All this boy saw in me was an object that could be seduced for the sole purpose of satisfying his hormonal urges. When his hand began to make its way up the outside of my thigh I cringed. His unfamiliar touch made me uncomfortable, it was as if Frank were in the car with me instead. I wondered what Holden would have thought of Stradlater if the two ever met.

"_This phony? Are you kidding me Jane?"_

"_He seems agreeable enough, he took me on a very nice date."_

"_I don't care if he took you to the goddamn Eiffel Tower. No date would be nice enough to get you to give yourself to a joker like this. I know you Jane. You would never do that"._

"_You're right, it's just...I wish you were here instead, Holden."_

Stradlater wasn't to thrilled when I resisted his advances. He cursed as I drew back for the hundredth time. It didn't take him long to realize his efforts were fruitless, and started the car to drive me home. For once I felt control over my own body. Nobody was privileged to it without my consent. And anyone who harbored frustration, over what I'm sure was considered a prudish nature, wasn't worth my time anyway. I knew Holden would never be like that, he always complied with my wishes about such things. Without hesitation I knew I could trust Holden with myself.

* * *

And so over the course of my break, the telephone was my constant temptation for the one connection I longed for. My fingers would softly graze the receiver, hesitant of grasping it and allowing it to provide me with his voice and conversation. Vacation was quickly drawing to an end, and I felt my willpower had won the bitter fight against my heart. Yet the day before I was to head back to school the phone cried out for me, taking matters into its own hands. I had been packing my belongings, neatly folding each skirt and blouse accordingly when my Mother walked into my bedroom, "That was Mrs. Caulfield on the telephone dear. She says Holden was just placed into a....facility. He's been asking to see you Jane." It was if the wind had been knocked out of me. Holden? My Holden? The most stable person in my life had broken down, and he wanted to see me? How could I help, when I was such a mess inside?

"_Because you know me Jane, because you aren't phony, because since the day I saw you at the club and you gave me the cold shoulder because of all that business between our mothers over that damn dog of yours I loved you."_

Without thinking I grabbed my coat and ran outside to hail a cab. The drive to the institution was all a blur as all of my memories of Holden flooded into my thoughts. As soon as I arrived I rushed up to the receptionist and asked in what room Holden was staying. She said only family was allowed to see him, so I insisted I was Holden's sister who had just flown back from her fellowship in London to see him, (Holden wasn't the only one who could lie). She readily bought the story and gave me the room number. When I approached the door to Holden's private room I took a deep breath in anticipation. Not forgetting my manners, I quietly knocked on the door and a voice from within willed me inside. There he was: he seemed tired, weak, even fragile, but his eyes still shone with the same jovial light when he saw who I was and a small smile slowly broke over his solemn features.

"Hello Jane."

"Hello Holden. I was meaning to call you all vacation."

"Funny you should say that."


End file.
